There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
