jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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