My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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