and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
