I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
