Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
