if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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