I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
