Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
