I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
