1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
