3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
