i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
