Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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