Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize