they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
