bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
