oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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