I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize