drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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