Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
