Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
