He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
