Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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