my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Life is so much better after having sex.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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