I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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