you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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