there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
