I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize