Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
