You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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