My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize