I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
