I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
