Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
