So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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