Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Pooping to opera.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
