My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Randomize
