Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
