There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
