So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
