Say something about gay babies.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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