someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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