Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
