I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
