I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
