My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
