I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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