i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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