Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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