i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
