Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
