So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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