You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
