1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
