ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
