May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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