if i can run in heels then i can drive
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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