I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize